Anyway, as I was saying - I went to camp this morning. It's funny how all kinds of things over the past several months have started making sense now. A few years ago, I had a period of time when I was really dizzy and fatigued. My doctor said he didn't think it was anything serious, so I just thought it was my body working through a virus, or just being overworked. Those dizzy spells came and went over the past few years. But things really "ramped up" this past June/July, when I started dropping things and having grip strength issues. Nerve pain in my legs, followed by occasional numbness and tingling in my left hand and my tongue (weird, right?) started bothering me a few months later. Then, pain in my hands...then I started noticing (at camp) that my arms weren't as strong as they used to be. My legs and feet would go numb when I was running or doing a lot of exercises on my feet. Then October came with it's barrage of neurological issues, which led to the MRI, which led to the diagnosis in January.
What's the point in me telling you all of this? Well, I've noticed that I have to really pace myself when working out, for a couple of reasons. If I am pushing myself too hard, my legs and feet will start to go numb. It's an instant sign that Mama needs to step back, and I do. If my hands start to hurt, or the nerve pain in my legs starts up again, I will take a break for a day and not workout. I will stop during the workout if I feel weakness or heaviness anywhere, and just sit on my workout mat and rest. I don't push my muscles as hard as I used to - not because I CAN'T, but because of the consequences. I know that, if I push myself too hard during my workout, then I will pay for it with the fatigue, tremors, and weakness later (and maybe pain, too). I read a great article (or it may have been my Multiple Sclerosis for Dummies book, I can't remember..lesions, ya'll) that said that we have to be vigilant about conserving our energy throughout the day. That made sense to me, and it makes even more sense when you see it play out in your life, as it did on my trip to Vegas recently. It may seem like we're being super productive by cleaning the entire house and the dog and the car on Saturday...but we often pay for it on Sunday, and maybe Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
Now, I'm not AT ALL saying we should sit on our couches and do nothing. There are certainly times when we have to do a ton of chores because they need to get done and there's no one else to do them. Or, we have to prepare for our child's birthday party...or spend hours hiking with our spouse because they love it and we really want to do something with them...or any number of things. And you know what we do? We pull up our boots and get to work...despite what we may feel like later. Because if we let this crazy disease control how we live our lives, then we will literally go crazy. I'm certainly not the expert in this field, by ANY means...I've literally only had a diagnosis for a month. But I've noticed this concept of energy drain at work in my friends with MS, and in the MS Support Groups that I'm a part of online.
I also follow a blog by my friend, Alex, and she talks about this often. When she's feeling good and has some energy, she does what she wants to do and enjoys it. When she's feeling crummy, she takes a break and lets her body rest. But what she DOESN'T do is always let her activity or her moods be determined by "this MS bitch," as she calls it. (PS: If you want to follow her blog, just go to the bottom of the page...it's in the list of blogs I follow!)
So...I am starting to feel less and less guilty about saying "no" to things - invitations, events, etc. I'm learning to be okay with my hubby helping me out with chores and the kids, and he's AMAZING at taking over and doing stuff. It's tough to not let it knock your pride when you have to accept help or have to give up the chores you took pride in doing. But I have to pace myself...both in my workouts, and in my everyday life. I have to, because I want to use my energy to be present for my husband, my kids, my family and my friends (another thing Alex drives home constantly...BE PRESENT for those you love the most...seriously, ya'll NEED to read her blog).
Today, I'm drinking out of my giant "Liquid Patience" coffee mug, as I watch my husband, who just finished cleaning the bathrooms, fold the laundry. I told him I could do it as I sit, but he's doing it anyway. Because he's freakin' awesome...
The message on this mug reminds me that I have to be patient not just with others, but with myself. I have to be patient as I get used to the changes in my body and my mind, and learn to just take life 24 hours at a time. Because all we're ever promised is the moment that we're in, no matter how much we'd like to know the future and be able to control it.
Let's just give ourselves a giant freakin' break, okay? Love ya'll!
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